A friend of mine wrote to me in response to my blog, encouraging me to ask for help when needed and to accept help when offered.  I think she must know me pretty well.  I've always prided myself on being independent.  Acknowledging the fact that I need other people is difficult for me.  I hate being a burden.

I've been told that I might need someone to drive me to and from dialysis treatments.  Every person is different in how they respond.  I'm hoping that I will be able to drive myself, but my mom will take me to start.  I've had a few other people offer to take me if I need them.  I am grateful for those people, and will need them.

The issue is a little deeper, though, than just being able to accept rides.  Pretty soon, I'll be dependent on a machine to live.  I've been dependent upon medication for a while, but somehow being dependent on a machine is more difficult of a concept.

I also think of the future, when I could be eligible for a transplant.  Talk about needing something from someone else.  I've had a couple of offers of kidneys.  The process of matching will determine whether those offers can be accepted.  But even accepting a perfect match will be difficult.  Asking someone to go through surgery and give up an organ is a bit much.

I've had a difficult time writing tonight.  I'm a bit distracted.  I don't want this to be happening.  I don't want to go to dialysis.  I don't want to have a transplant.  I don't want to have kidney disease.  I don't want to spend 3-4 hours/day, three days a week hooked to a machine.  I realize I don't have much of a choice.  I'm just having one of those days when I wish this were all just a really bad dream and that I'd wake up soon.  Unfortunately, I'm wide awake.  :)

More later . . .