Sunday, August 28, 2011

A friend of mine wrote to me in response to my blog, encouraging me to ask for help when needed and to accept help when offered.  I think she must know me pretty well.  I've always prided myself on being independent.  Acknowledging the fact that I need other people is difficult for me.  I hate being a burden.

I've been told that I might need someone to drive me to and from dialysis treatments.  Every person is different in how they respond.  I'm hoping that I will be able to drive myself, but my mom will take me to start.  I've had a few other people offer to take me if I need them.  I am grateful for those people, and will need them.

The issue is a little deeper, though, than just being able to accept rides.  Pretty soon, I'll be dependent on a machine to live.  I've been dependent upon medication for a while, but somehow being dependent on a machine is more difficult of a concept.

I also think of the future, when I could be eligible for a transplant.  Talk about needing something from someone else.  I've had a couple of offers of kidneys.  The process of matching will determine whether those offers can be accepted.  But even accepting a perfect match will be difficult.  Asking someone to go through surgery and give up an organ is a bit much.

I've had a difficult time writing tonight.  I'm a bit distracted.  I don't want this to be happening.  I don't want to go to dialysis.  I don't want to have a transplant.  I don't want to have kidney disease.  I don't want to spend 3-4 hours/day, three days a week hooked to a machine.  I realize I don't have much of a choice.  I'm just having one of those days when I wish this were all just a really bad dream and that I'd wake up soon.  Unfortunately, I'm wide awake.  :)

More later . . .


  1. On top of the incredible difficulties (an inadequate word, but I lack the necessary vocabulary for this situation) of dealing with kidney disease, dialysis, and a future as a transplant recipient, writing about this must be very difficult. I'm sure that you will be helping someone else facing similar circumstances by writing about your experiences, and you do so very well, so I encourage you to continue. And for everyone else, it gives us a chance to gain a better understanding of you and your situation, and to appreciate really good writing.

  2. Thank you, Bill. I appreciate your encouragement and thank you for reading.