In Memory of TM

A couple of weeks ago, a fellow patient at the clinic died.  She was 66.  I last saw her on a Friday.  We always spoke, "hello", little wave, "how are you", etc.  She had to go to the hospital over the weekend, and then she died on Monday.  Her chair was empty when I arrived Monday, but I didn't think too much of it.  We had yet another schedule change, so I thought maybe she left before I got there.  However, later in the afternoon, the looks and whispers started between the staff.  I knew something was up, so I asked.  I wonder if they would have told me if I hadn't noticed.  Would I have just thought she was going in the mornings now?

I wonder how her husband is coping.  He brought her to treatments, and I spoke with him actually more than her.  He's a friendly guy, always teasing me about stuff.  I know his heart is broken.

There's an obvious loss.  Not only an empty chair, but the loss of two friendly faces in a place where you need all of the smiles and laughter you can get.

Birthdays and More

My 42nd birthday was last week.  Forty-two sounds like one of those ages that we thought sounded ancient when we were kids.  I told Boyfriend he could think of me as two 21-year-olds!  :)  He just better not trade me in for two.

My birthday always makes me a little melancholy.  I spend too much time thinking about what I haven't done, how I got where I am, etc.

I never in a million years would've have guessed that I would be on dialysis, dependent on a machine to live.  I've always said that I never wanted to depend on a machine to live, i.e., life support.  This is different in a way.  I live most of the time without it, but couldn't live without it.

Lately, I have hated going to dialysis.  Most of the time, it's okay.  Some nice people.  Familiar faces.  I'm used to the pain of the needles and the boredom of sitting there for hours.  But lately, I've just felt resentful and bothered and mad.  Part of it has to do with the way my center operates.  It seems that our director doesn't know how to make a schedule.  I can't even tell you how many times my appointment time has changed over the last year (almost).  It's ridiculous.  And the last few times I've been, I've had to wait for over 30 minutes to be put on the machine.  Yesterday, I got there at 2:45, and didn't get hooked up until 3:40.  Of course, yesterday was an exception.  I was told that the transportation for the shift before me was an hour late.  Well, no one even bothered to tell me until after I was hooked up.  I could have spent that hour at home instead of sitting in the waiting room.  Pissed off.

Pissed off.  That's a good way to describe how I've been feeling lately.  Pissed off at the fact that my kidneys don't work.  Pissed off that I'm fat.  Pissed off that I'm 42.  Pissed off that my clinic doesn't value my time as much as I value theirs.  Pissed off that my clinic director thinks of me as a statistic and a dollar sign.  That's how I feel anyway.  I guess this is another rant that's been a long time coming.

I listen to everything that's said at my clinic.  I am awake.  I'm not old and deaf.  I can hear everything, and I listen.  All she seems to talk about are their "numbers".  The only time she talks to me is when she has to.  And when she does talk to me, she comes off as rude or uninterested or self-centered.  She doesn't even say hello when she walks by (and this is a tiny clinic--only 8 chairs).  She's in her own little world.  One time I heard her refer to me as an "out of network payer", as a reason to pay more attention to my complaint.  They make more money off of me, because I'm not fully Medicare subsidized yet.  Guess I'll see how I'm treated when my insurance status changes.

I feel a little better now that I've ranted some.  I'll try to be more positive next time.  :)

Hello, Again

I'll acknowledge the fact that I haven't written anything in forever and move on.  It's been difficult to write since my dad died.  The events of my life seem insignificant in comparison.  I think I'm finally to the point, though, where I need to write again.  It helps me get outside of my head and vent some of my feelings.

Actual dialysis has been going pretty well.  It's become pretty routine.  I had a few rough weeks a while back when my dry weight was shifting, and I was getting pretty lightheaded after treatments.  I fell down at home a few times.  I even passed out in the bathtub one night.  (I don't recommend that, btw.)  But things are back to "normal".  My dry weight is the lowest it has been since I started dialysis.  I'm trying to lose some weight, and it's beginning to happen, although slowly.  And, I haven't had a dizzy spell in a while.

My fistula has been doing well, and it's starting to look bumpy.  As it has matured, it has gotten uglier.  It's doing well technically, but it has become more obvious.  I don't think about it a lot of the time, but sometimes I get self-conscious, especially when someone asks me what's wrong with my arm.  :)  Yay, for cooler weather and longer sleeves!

The other day, I looked around while I was at treatment, and I was sharing my section with three 70-80-something year old men.  It was pretty depressing.  It made me feel old and sick.  I typically don't think of myself in either of those terms.

I've had a good thing happen recently, though.  I have been able to add some high-potassium foods back into my diet.  My potassium was getting too low.  It's typically too high in kidney patients, and mine has been before.  Well, between the dialysis cleaning my blood and my limitations, I was too low, which is just as bad as too high.  Welcome back, potatoes and tomatoes!  Hello, orange juice!  I love you, avocado.  I can't go crazy, but I can enjoy them more than I've been used to.

Well, that's all folks . . . I'll try to check back in more regularly.

Memorial Day and Other Thoughts

Well, it took a week and a half, but my fussing paid off.  I'm now back in the section I want to be in, and I have a TV that works.  This seems petty as I write this, but it really makes a difference.  Going to dialysis is hard enough without dreading other parts of it.  If you're going to dialysis and you're not happy with your tech/nurse or your environment, say something.  Your insurance company or the government or you (or a combination of these) are paying lots of money to the company that is caring for you.  You shouldn't have to dread it any more than what is normal.

I thought I'd share a comic today . . .

http://www.marriedtothesea.com/052712/no-salt.gif

Hope everyone is having a safe and fun Memorial Day weekend.  I was visiting family, but a hurricane decided to show up, so I'm back home.  It was my grandma's 90th birthday party!  At least I got to see her and be at the party, although the visit was short.  It was weird being at a family event without my dad.  Memorial Day was always difficult for him.  He and his brother served in the Navy in WWII.  His brother did not make it home.  I never forget him and the many others who have died in defense of our country.  I am glad for those who made it home who I love so very much, both my dad and my boyfriend.

Stone Cold Sober as a Matter of Fact

I haven't felt much like writing.  I'm depressed, and I don't feel like doing much of anything.  I have looked up the name and number of a therapist, and I actually put it in my phone.  I'm going to call tomorrow to set something up.  Even before my dad died I was feeling the need to get back into therapy.

Dialysis has been going all right.  Lately, I've felt more bored and restless than ever.  I need to find some new things to do while I'm there.  You can only play so much Solitaire and Spider Solitaire before you lose your mind.  Yesterday, I talked with a visitor for what seemed like forever, and only about 30 minutes had passed.  I've tried reading, and I have in spurts, but I have a hard time concentrating with so much going on around me.  So, if you have any ideas for one-handed hobbies (that can be legally performed in public), please share.  :)

Also, the last two times, I have been put in the chair with the broken TV.  I believe it is because I'm the only person who doesn't bitch about being in the chair with the broken TV.  Before, we kind of rotated through it.  I don't mind it every now and then, but every time is a bit much.  I guess it's time to bitch.  I typically don't like to cause trouble, but I also don't like being taken advantage of.

Being in the chair with the broken TV also means that I've been moved out of my favorite tech's section.  Don't get me wrong . . . everyone there is nice and all, but my favorite is the best at sticking me.  With the one I've been with lately, my venous or arterial pressure goes wrong every time (shutting down the machine and increasing the time I have to be there), making her "not my favorite".  :)  Yeah, it's about time to bitch.

Under the Boardwalk

To say the least, it's been a difficult time since my dad died.  Everything went very well regarding services, family, etc.  My family and I appreciate all of the outpouring of sympathy and love.

Dialysis is a reminder that life must go on.  I missed one treatment, on the day of visitation, but I did okay.  I'm back in the grind.  It's been more difficult to sit there, though.  I feel more restless and anxious than usual.  My anxiety level has been pretty high in general.  However, Friday, I had a short break from my troubles.  One of my fellow patients, who is usually very quiet, was apparently on some very good pain medicine for another problem she's having.  I was in my solemn world, when all of a sudden she burst out into song -- "Under the boardwalk, down by the sea . . . ".  It made me laugh and forget about life for a while.  You can't help but join in when you hear that song.  Maybe if we sang our way through dialysis every time it would go by a lot faster and be something we actually looked forward to.

"Stop this Train"

My dad died today.  It still doesn't seem real.  I had dialysis and couldn't be there.  He died right before I went on dialysis.  My mom waited until I was off to let me know.  I hate that I wasn't there.  My mom, my brother and one of my mom's friends were with him when he left us.  It still doesn't seem real.

Stop this Train -- John Mayer


Once in a while when it's good
It'll feel like it should
And they're all still around
And you're still safe and sound
And you don't miss a thing
'til you cry when you're driving away in the dark,
Singing stop this train I want to get off and go home again
I can't take this speed it's moving in
I know I can't
'cause now I see I'll never stop this train